Who am I?

Who am I?  I am a list-maker and not in a good way.  I love the feeling of crossing things off my list that I think I'm ready to admit I go to far.  

I've been discussing the book "The Seven Spiritual Gifts of Waiting" with my friend Chris and I keep saying "I"m really not waiting for anything".  I finally realized, I'm waiting for my lists to be done.  I have trouble living in the moment and taking advantage of the daily spiritual gifts that come my way because I'm so focused on crossing things off my list.  

I understood that tonight as I prepared to make a new recipe I found.  Even my hobbies feel strained sometimes as I add them to the list.  Yes, sometimes it's good to have some of those "me" things on the list to make sure I take time to do them.  On the other hand, for me, it's turned into  "okay I'm going to sit down and do this for 10 minutes or I need to finish this recipe so I can just cross it off my list".  I'm not using it as a time to rest and reflect.  

Tonight was wonderful.  It was a surprise to make my pumpkin bread.  Martin hadn't seen Daddy all day and wanted Bryant to put him to bed.  Bryant wanted some snuggle time with Martin so he agreed very quickly.  I knew then that I had some spare time to make the bread.  I already had the ingredients, preparing to "add" the task of baking to my list this week, but this was so much better.  I was able to relax and even laughed when I spilled flour across the kitchen because the lid wasn't on tight.  I have a feeling if I was just trying my new recipe to cross it off the list that I wouldn't have laughed at that, I probably would have stressed out about it.  I have flour up the leg of my pants and my rugs need washing, but that's okay.  The bread smells good and I feel pretty darn happy sitting in my chair.  

My new resolve is to let the list go.  Yes, I need a list.  Yes, I have things that need to get done.  I just hope I can keep the list to tasks that are a priority.  I don't need to add any of my hobbies to it or silly things that I know need to be done.  It seems to just up my stress level.  I feel I have missed some opportunities to sit on the floor with Martin or spend time with my husband because all I can think of is crossing something off that list.  So, I'm just going to cross the whole list off and start over.  I'm also going to get rid of a lot of things on my "to bake", "to crochet", and "to craft" lists.  Why do I need all of those things?  One thing at a time.

Who am I?  I'm a recovering list-maker!