Vague...

The baby had been sick for a while.  Nothing life threatening, he just has a problem.  This will be vague, but I think I'll make my point.  We had seen a specialist over a month ago and her suggestion was to wait and see what happens.  Okay fine.  Actually, she wanted us to increase his dose of medicine and wait.  I wasn't so sure about that, but she was the specialist and our family doctor agreed.  So we waited.  While waiting, I tried something "natural" plus the medicine.  Boy did that work.  So, our family doctor was with me and said I could decrease the dose of medicine and increase the natural stuff.  Awesome.  Flying high.  This is great.  We will wait until our specialist appointment in May and maybe by then everything will be resolved.

Out of the blue on Thursday I get a call from the specialist herself.  She would like Matthew to have a the biopsy.  What?  That came so far out of left field the ball wasn't even in the game.  I agreed and took the number of the pediatric surgeon to call and schedule an appointment. (The biopsy is part of diagnosing him with one of the possible conditions he could have).  Then I called our family doctor and pretty much told him she was a crack head and full of junk.  He calmed me down (he's great like that) and said he thought she had done the wait and see because she wasn't sure.  She wanted to give medicine a try before a procedure that might be unnecessary.  He also said it probably wasn't because she had put us on the back burner.  In most university settings (like our specialist is in) they get together frequently as colleagues and discuss certain cases.  He is assuming that is what happened.  She waited until a meeting and they all looked at his charts and tests and gave her suggestions.  Okay great, so she's not a crack head, full of junk.  She is probably a caring doctor.

Our biopsy is not scheduled.  We have a consult with the surgeon in a couple weeks.  Then we'll move on from there to the biopsy.  I'm nervous.  Just typing about it has my stomach in knots.  The pre op is the most nerve racking part.  How long will my toddler not be able to eat or drink.  What will the pre op look like and how uncomfortable might he be.  The unknowns are just horrible.  And all we can do is wait.  So I rarely feel like a failing parent, but in the waiting doubts creep in.

Then.  I read this post.  I love Kelle Hampton's blog.  It's beautiful.  A life that is lived to the fullest.  A life full of ups and downs and surprises.   This post didn't make me mad.  I won't stop reading her blog. I am not a hater.  I'm a lover of what she writes.  It's just this post along with the rest of my baby's situation left me down.  In the post, she discusses the delayed milestones of her daughter with down syndrome.  Her daughter pulled herself up and stood at the coffee table all by herself.  I don't know if they thought this feat was delayed or not.  It just left me down.  My son who is only one month younger than this baby and has no "real" health issues that would cause him to have milestone delays does none of this.  He doesn't crawl.  He will scoot on his tummy but only for a tiny few inches.  He doesn't pull himself up.  He doesn't walk if I hold his hands.  Nothing.  He sits and sometimes will balance forward on his knees to grab something and then sit down.  I want him to move so bad.  My doctor says it's fine.  (Have I mentioned he's wonderful and I trust his judgement?  I do)  He said we would wait and see at his 15 month appointment but there is nothing to worry about.  Really?  Most people kind of laugh and say "That's okay.  I would rather not have to chase after him.  It must be nice that he just stays put".  I guess so.  It's just in the back of my mind, that place that is dark and has low self esteem, I think "They are probably walking away thinking, jeez I wonder why that kid isn't crawling." I feel they are questioning my parenting.  I will laugh with there comments but in the end I think "what could I have done to help him do this?"  Why hasn't he met this milestone?  I know, kids do it on there own.  Many healthy kids don't walk until they are 15 months or even older.  (The Bops walked at 15 months).  It's just that he's not even doing a real crawl.  He barely rolls over.  I know physically there is nothing wrong.  It's just that part of me that thinks someone is putting me or my kid down.  That they are doing that parent competition game in their brain and I lose.

He will crawl, probably soon.  He will walk, because I know he wants to keep up with his brother.  He is healthy, I know because my doctor told me so.  He will be just fine with his little health situation no matter how the results come back because we are blessed with good doctors, good insurance, and a wonderful God.  I just have to know that I am doing my best, but sometimes a little doubt still creeps in.  Even when my baby smiles at me, says "mama juice" or "basketball".  He's smart.  Super smart. Maybe he's just teaching me a lesson of trust and patience and probably most of all belief in myself.  I just hate the doubt of darkness that sometimes comes!