Overachiever

How do I become a person of the journey rather than the destination?

I can honestly say now that I am an overachiever.  I need to move past that and focus on the journey.

I can see it in myself when I crochet.  It is something that is, most times, so relaxing and offers me a sense of accomplishment and creativity.  I love looking at patterns, reading magazines, and looking at blogs full of creative ideas and loads of color.  Then I start to bookmark and queue different projects and all of sudden...the overachiever comes out.  I feel that if I mark the pattern it is "on the list".  It must be done.  Instead of marking it to just enjoy it for it's color or to save the idea as a possibility I turn it into a chore.  It becomes the must do.  

I see it in my faith.  The overachiever that sometimes says never mind it you can't do it 110%.  Forget it if you can't sit and do a study for an hour before the boys get up.  Just forget it if you can't remember to read a psalm everyday and meditate on it.  Just doing nothing won't leave you as hurt as failing when trying.  I know that's not the truth.  Faith is a daily, step by step thing.  Something is for sure better than nothing.

On internship I used to color mandalas as a spiritual practice.  (I read about mandalas in college as a bible study with this book.) It was my prayer time.  Internship was a time of growing for me.  We studied Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.  A group of women met faithfully every week.  We usually had our lessons done and it was a priority.  I remember sitting in an empty office so that we could conference call with someone who had recently moved.  It was an amazing time.  At the end of the book, the author, recommends doing a half day of prayer.  We thought about that and then it grew.  Instead of a half day of prayer we did a morning of prayer once a month.  We started a new bible study, but would put it away on the 3rd Thursday of every month to pray.  The sanctuary was quiet, the lights were dim, we would light a candle and sit in silence.  Absolute silence.  I colored and prayer for at least an hour on those mornings.

Nothing fancy, just a book of mandalas, some colored pencils, my bible and prayer.  I would usually read a psalm and then get moving.  Each color represents a prayer for something or someone.  I dated all of them and sometimes wrote what I was doing or what was on my mind.  I would randomly pick colors not based on the final project but on my prayers and my feelings.  

After Big M was born, the overachiever in me gave that up.  Although 3 hour naps seem heavenly now I still couldn't get it all done.  I wanted other things and couldn't wrap my head around priorities.  I still can't.  

The overachiever doesn't necessarily like the looks of this picture...

but this is my life.  

My boy let me color this one by myself for a little while during nap time.  He colored, but then was interested in what I was doing.  Maybe it was my quiet or the fact that I was participating and not trying to multi task but my guy colored quietly with me.  I still prayed.  My end results in the picture isn't the same, but I did it.  

He was quiet and I prayed.  I wish the overachiever in me was smaller, but it makes me who I am.  Life is a journey and if I'm on it, it requires small changes.  I can't automatically become something else.  The journey is long and the destinations are few.  So, if I'm continually waiting for the destinations I will be sorely disappointed in all I missed along the way.  

The overachiever may not like it.  I might even give up a few times.  I might give in to the temptation that nothing is better than something.  That's what makes it a journey I guess.  Going slow and realizing the destinations are few.