We are "holding" our son back from kindergarten (I prefer the term "red shirting" him). Got a problem with it? I am looked at like I am crazy! Now, I realize he is not even 4 yet and my hubby and I are pretty certain of our decision (although I have promised to still have conversation about it). It is not because he is dumb, a boy, or socially under par. He is a smart, wonderful, caring kid. He is my kid. So, why the stares and silly looks when we say that? I read a response to an article that said "delaying" was the norm it seemed in Minnesota. It maybe the norm in the big cities, but it is not here. I have said before I am one of only a handful of stay at home moms in our town and the school district. I have trouble standing up for why we have decided we are going to wait. I don't want the reasons why to make it seem like someone else's decision to send them is a terrible one. I do want people to see both sides. I just don't want to put someone down and it seems no matter how I approach it someone might have their "parenting" feelings hurt. Since this is my blog I decided I'm going to lay out the reasons for waiting. These are my reasons.
-My son may seem ready when he turns 5 and that's great. BUT, what about when he turns 16, 17, when he graduates, goes to college, gets his driver's license? This isn't just about kindergarten. This is about life. In Minnesota we have a great program where kids can not only take college credit classes (after passing an assessment test) but they can GO to college when they are juniors in high school. In our district alone, I know of one student who left for the state college (fully paid for by our district) as a junior. She graduated as valedictorian without setting foot in the high school for 2 years. Good for her. A student from our church still participated in speech and other activities but didn't take classes at our high school his senior year and went to the technical school. He has an associates degree and is now at a college working on his bachelor's degree. Now, will my son be that smart? I don't know. Will he have a desire to go to college? I hope so. BUT, this is what I have to think about now even though he's only starting kindergarten. My son will probably go on to higher education of some kind. If he doesn't that's fine, but it is the norm in our family. Out of my husband and I's immediate family (combined,my sons's 4 grandparents, 2 parents, one aunt and one uncle) we have a total of 8 bachelors degrees, 7 master's degrees, one artists diploma, and one working towards a their PhD. So, college is the norm! I want to set up him up for the best way to do that. (My brother in law did start school when he was barely 5 and he's doing fine, I'm just saying...)
-We do have a preschool in our school district. I plan to send my son to a church preschool when he's 4, but when he's 5 he will go to our school district. He can go all day and I can contract 2,3,4 or 5 days a week. So, if he seems ready after a few weeks or months and he is itching for more learning and education, I can just send him more. Yes, I have to pay for it, but it is a choice we are going to make. Also, I was a late start and even though I had to stop playing the violin at age 12. I started when I was 5. The year I didn't go to school (but went to preschool) I started playing the violin. Maybe we will choose to do this with our son. I was learning math skills and music skills before I even went to school. I can still pick up a violin and play today. I am really good at reading music, I was a college scholarship clarinet player and I was fairly good at math. (Music=math in case you didn't know:)) My child will not be sitting at home watching TV when we choose not to send him to kindergarten. He will be learning something and I will be helping him!
-Expectations of kindergartners has changed. Do more, teach them more, make them smarter, go, go, go. According to my mom (a Nebraska Educator) Nebraska is looking at change the start age of kindergarten from Oct 15 to June 1. Instead of starting when you are 4 and turning 5 by Oct, you will have to be 5 by June 1st. In this case, my child wouldn't make the cut off.
-I feel that people look at me like my child is a failure because we are not starting them early. When, it is because I don't want my child to fail that I am waiting. I don't want him to start kindergarten and do okay or less than average and just keep getting pushed and pushed along in the system or actually being held back. If he starts school and doesn't move onto first grade (which I know he would) he will know! If we wait, he won't have any idea.
-Through this article I heard of a study at USC (I can't find the link to the exact study) but it says waiting really doesn't do anything for you children. It doesn't matter. The father mentioned in the article said if he had to do it again, he would wait. Why? His kid was ready academically (earned straight A's all through high school) but it said he struggled socially and was the smallest size wise in his class. Size maybe doesn't matter but what I remember most from high school is the social aspect. The picking on, the teasing, the learning how to interact with others, and now it seems more and more bullying. The study said waiting in the end just makes them older. Okay, so waiting makes them older, but does that actually hurt them?
In the end redshirting isn't for everyone, but it is for some. I want to be able to politely tell that to people. My husband and I are not paying day care and we are both able to help our child learn at home. So while the cost, the logistics and other research suggests not to wait, we want too (right now anyway). So maybe in a year we'll change our mind, but maybe we won't. And in about 3 years it won't matter. No one will ask me anymore and they say after the first year or so in school it might not matter. According to this article some do it to make their kids more academically advanced or to boost self esteem etc. Maybe we are doing it for those reasons, but the other reasons to send him just don't seem to out weigh a general "readiness" to start school! The previous article also shows that there are some differences between those who are really young and those who are really old. So, no matter what my son will go to school, I will help him succeed, and he will be the best he can be. He just might go at a different time than yours.
If you stuck with my post this long, thank you. If not, no worries! I am heated about it and as my hubby said "nobody else probably gets that it might make you angry". So I'm going to work on just saying "I'm glad that will work for you and your family, we're going to wait."
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Good for you for doing what is right for your child. My son has a December birthday, so he was on the older side and it's working for him. My daughter sneaks in on the younger side because of an August birthday and I think for her, that's going to work. The bottom line is YOU are the parent and YOU get to decide what is best for your child. I'm thankful that we do get to decide!
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you are coming from. You guys need to make the decision that is right for you, your family and most of all your son. I started Kindergarten in Nebraska so I know the effects of their late start date. Years ago start date was Sept 4 (or maybe later; Im not sure) and my bday is Sept 3 so I started when I was four. Little did my parents know that we would move to ND where the deadline was Sept 1. Since I had already started school ND decided to let me continue but my mom wishes she would have just held me back because I took Kindergarten twice. I would come home saying I did this just like we did last year. I have no problem with parents waiting!
ReplyDeleteWhen is Martin's birthday?
ReplyDeleteWe kept Malachi (now 6 & in Kdg.) home an extra year. His birthday is June 17. He's a VERY smart boy. He's reading chapter books like "Wally McDoogle", "Ramona", "Boxcar Children", etc, while his classmates are reading the books in their curriculum with three word sentences. He's doing 2 & 3 digit addition and subtraction while his classmates are doing "circle which line has more balls". But we wouldn't have it any other way. His teacher is VERY accomodating. She sends extra work home with him in case he gets bored and wants to work on something. (Which he does sometimes. The extra work will sometimes be a book report, extra math problems, or asking him to write her a story.) She gives him the option of having his "own" reading time during the class time, and he'd rather sit with his peers.
Socially, physically, he's right where he belongs. Mentally and intellectually? Well, we can supplement. He's happy.
At the beginning of the school year, Malachi's teacher asked me if I'd like for him to be advanced a grade (or two). My answer was no, and I have several reasons, some of which you've touched on. Who's to say that Malachi won't physically develop slower than his peers? Who's to say he won't mature slower? I think my number one reason for holding him back, is because if I had sent him when he was barely 5, he'd be leaving for college when he's barely 18. This way, he'll already be 19, which will give him plenty of time to reach maturity.
My other son Mathias has a September 3rd birthday. I've been told that I could convionce the school to "bend" the rule that he'd have to be 5 by Sept. 1st since his birthday is so close...I may have to have him tested, but they could make it happen.
When the time comes, I'm going to decline, and start him when he's 6. It's been a good decision for our family.
I guess I'd just say, don't worry about what other people expect of you. You're doing what's best for you & your son. I pray you'll find teachers like the one Malachi has this year; people who will support your decision, or at the very least, not question it.
Glad you got to 'vent' a little bit in this post :) I am so glad to hear you are making what you think is the right decision for your child despite what anyone thinks. My son will be 5 on 4/1 and I just registerd his this week for Kindergarten. But if his birthday was later, I would have probably held him back too. Like you said, Kindergarten is no longer fun and games. It is serious learning and you want him to have the best experience possible. And if he might even a slightly difficult time, you made the correct decision. I just had my son evaluated for occupational therapy. As crazy as it sounds, he has a problem holding a pencil and difficulty writing. I am trying to get him help now before Kindergaten because I know it will be a struggle when he goes. Good luck...and stick to your instincts :)
ReplyDeleteI held my daughter back -- and have never regretted it for a day.
ReplyDeleteYour cut-off is October 15? Wow! Ours is August 1 here in Missouri.
ReplyDeleteYou already know that I agree with you on this and we're doing the same with Logan. :) FWIW, I "get" why it makes you angry--same goes for me.
The way I see it, if I started him "on time," I could possibly regret it, but if I "hold him back," I won't. I haven't heard of a single person who has started their child later who has regretted it, but I've heard of plenty who regretted sending them before they were really ready.