An Easter People

I have been consumed by non Christmas thoughts these last few weeks. I just can’t bring myself to be excited for Christmas. Yet, I know I will get there. It’s just different. Different because I’m part of a pastor’s family and different because this year has been filled with so many moments I want to forget or change and moments I wouldn’t change for anything.

If I had to write a Christmas card for this year, it would be filled with life and death. Joy and sorrow. I have not jumped in and blogged a lot about my grandma dying. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have done….ever. For the safety of my son, who carries her name, I couldn’t be there. Last Christmas was the last time I ever saw her. I saw her smiling face, though in pain, holding my oldest son. Cheering on our football team, playing with him the best she could. I didn’t know what was to come. I missed a part of that letting go. I missed the part of saying good bye. She was sick and I couldn’t be there. I knew I needed to be at home because you never know when the baby will come. I willed my son, Matthew Barry, to come early. As my grandma started to get sicker I knew what I needed and what she needed. We needed her to meet this baby. In the end, that didn’t happen. She didn’t meet him and I didn’t get a good bye of any kind. I spoke with her the Friday Matthew was born and that was it. She hardly spoke after that. She died that Wednesday, 6 hours after I sent a video for her to “watch” introducing her to my baby. It is a pain and grief that I carry everyday. It is heavy and it fills my heart sometimes. I am reminded every time I saw my son’s name, who he is. He is a Barry, but he is a child of God.

As my grandma was getting sicker, something unimaginable happened. The earthquake in Haiti. The earthquake that took Ben. Ben, a light in the darkness, a light to so many. This pain is not the same as the pain and grief in losing my grandma. This pain is that something so unimaginable could happen to people I know. The pain is in what might have been.

So this Christmas is different. It is Matthew’s first and it will be joyous and wonderful. It will come to me. I will get in the Christmas spirit.

Right now, I’m working on rejoicing in the fact that we are Easter people. Thank God for Christmas so that we have what comes next. I have no doubt who my grandma and Ben are with, where they are. Thank God! I have been washed with grace everyday as I work through what this year was. Grace and love abounds this Christmas. I will get there.