Little Pieces of my heart

I am trying to relax today after my 40 week appointment.  No baby.  We go back Friday and we will see what happens.  Luckily the doctor is only concerned about our health.  He said he didn't mind giving up his weekend to give me a few more days.  I don't know how many more days the baby will wait.  I am almost at 4cm.  So now I just relax and try to rest and get ready for the baby to come.  (I did buy Sundae Crunch bars from the Schwan's man today.  That'll help me relax tonight I'm sure!)

Lots has changed in the past few months and especially the last few days.  7 months ago when we told our families we were expecting again my grandma was so healthy.  She golfed, she traveled, she played with Martin, and she took walks everyday.  I fully expected her to come to Minnesota to meet our new baby.  Now things are so different.

I am having to pick up little pieces of my heart that are spread all over.  Spread to Nebraska as my grandma lays in her bed waiting her last days out.  She is wrapped in the prayer shawl I made her and in our prayers constantly.  My family has told me that it looks as if I will not be able to attend the funeral.  I have picked up those tiny pieces because her second great grandson is coming.  I will wrap her in all the prayers I have and I will welcome that little boy with all the joy I have.  She would have it no other way.  I have slowly come to terms with the fact that this has changed everything.  I want this baby to come so bad.  More than anything, I want my mom to lean over my grandmas bed and tell her "He is here and was named after you and his great grandpa".  She might not be able to see pictures or hear very well, but I just want her to know he is here.  I am slowly working on the fact that it might not happen that way.  I might miss it by days or hours.  Just like I will miss her funeral by days.

So I move from grief to joy and back again.  I am confident in God that we have walked out of the desert and we are moving on our journey.  I am not alone.  I also am confident that my grief will not over shadow the birth of my son.  That is not fair to us and it is not fair to my grandma.  My prayers have been answered tonight as I relax in the fact that I am to be a mother again probably sooner, rather than later.  My grandma knows I love her and I know she loves me.  So the little pieces of my heart are just resting in the good news and the resurrection.