The Desert

I have found my desert.  I am just sitting in my desert listening but can't hear the voice of God.  No matter my attitude; mad, sad, frustrated, calm, I can only hear myself say what I know God would be telling me.  What I want to hear is the voice of God again.  I want to walk out of the desert, but no matter what can't seem to find the way.

The desert has me frustrated with my family due to an illness of one member.  Their "help" just isn't working for me.  I don't need someone to tell the 38 week pregnant, mother of a toddler when to call, send pictures, post video, etc.  I am trying my best but at this point I don't even have time to hear the voice of God.  The desert is not a place I want to be and I for sure don't want to be away from my family but there is nothing I can do.  I am honestly trying my hardest, but please, I deal with this illness differently than the rest of the family.

The desert has me sitting in the sun with no shade.  What I thought my doctor and I had discussed seems to maybe not be what we are sticking too.  Nothing bad, but when I want to hear the voice of God tell me "Be patient, I know" I get nothing.  I get myself saying that and then the tears as I know it's only me and it's not the comfort I want to hear.  It is uncomfortable and it only reminds me of this as I have to tell people things changed and listen to the ladies at church tell me things that actually don't make me feel any better.  Maybe I just don't want to talk about it.  Even typing these few things has my anger rising and I get so frustrated.  Why did the plans change?  Why did I misunderstand?  Why do people think the helpful "that happened to me" really help at this point?

The desert has given me no place to worship.  Please, don't get me wrong, my husband works so hard at worship and sermon preparation.  I know that God speaks through him to the people of our congregations, but what about me?  I love having my son in church as he has definitely put some spiritual connections together recently.  I would never want him in the nursery (which we don't have).   With that being said, my worship experience is different.  Also, we don't change worship much.  That is fine, but I can't help but think about what a friend said.  She said "we know too much, but not enough".  So true.  I have taken a seminary class on spiritual practices, I have worshipped with those who are now pastors, I have discussed things like salvation, theology of the cross, grace, and other thoughts with those who have went on to be ordained.  I'm not saying I'm smarter than the person sitting next to me, but I need to hear God's voice differently and I have thought about it and done it.  In my desert I just can't bring myself to come home from worship only to work hard to fill my own cup, when some can have their cups filled at worship.

The desert has me thirsty.  Thirsty for my cup to be filled.  Thirsty for time to pick up the crochet hook to pray, the Bible to read, and so thirsty for conversation.  Thirsty for my faith to over flow.

I guess I am okay with sitting in the desert.  I have claimed it and know that it is where I am.  We are entering Lent and I realize it is a desert time, but I haven't yet seen the cross or the resurrection of my desert.  I know at the end of the 40 days we will see that and I can experience it, but is that what will help me walk out of my own desert?  I don't know.  I know God is sitting in the desert with me and we are just waiting together.  Waiting for what I don't know...